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I just cannot accept the fact that I had gone too cheesy in the first paragraph of this blog entry. So yeah, I deleted IT as of 6/18. HAHA**


I could just remember that night. Sigh.

We were really, really good friends during that time. A few weeks after that incident, we both confessed what we truly felt for each other. No commitments whatnots; just the fact that both of us were certain that what we felt towards each other was real. Days passed, weeks went by and I felt that something was missing. People started asking me if we were officially together and I didn't know what to say. And so later that night, I asked him what was the real score between the two of us. And instead of a firm yes or no, I received words of uncertainty. I have to admit, I got really, really upset by this. Unknowingly, that was when little things like that started to stack up. Throughout the entire summer vacay, he had only invited me to go out once. The sad part was, even that one time-big time didn't push through. My grandma was looking forward to seeing him since she had been hearing stuff about him. So, I asked him to come over but he never showed up. I honestly felt doubtful towards him when these series of incidents started happening. I used to keep this to myself and show him hints of disappointment, but I guess he was just way too insensitive towards how I felt. I don't actually know if he was just acting numb or if he was just really immature to the point that he can barely read between the lines. I was the GUY in our relationship(whatever it is that we had).

One thing came after the other. One day I woke up and realized that I deserved more than what he used to show and give me. Hoping that he'd be able to go back to his senses, I told him everything. I told him how I felt toward his insensitivity and lack of effort and how he was just way too complacent with our status, with him full force-ly doing nothing at all. I just hate the fact that there'd always be a need of spelling everything out to him.

Days have passed and there was I, foolishly waiting for some changes. All I received were plain goodnight messages with smileys, yeah as if nothing happened at all. I don't know if I just overreacted upon the situation but I reached the point wherein I was really bottled up that even the tiniest mistake he did just affected the crap out of me. I kept on waiting.. and waiting..

Things started to change when I started talking to a guy friend. Not only did he give me advices, but he also made me realize my worth. He made me feel extra special and cared for--something that I rarely felt coming from my guy.* As days went on, this friend and I grew closer and became more open. It seemed like God had sent an instant security blanket for me. But there was just something that I didn't see coming. The more attention and care he gave me, the more my feelings for him developed. It was then when I realized that I started liking him. Later that night, my guy* called me up and was asking for another shot. I was so fucking confused that I didn't talk to both of them for some time.

I was about to totally forget my feelings for my guy friend* since I was having this sense of guilt towards my guy* though we didn't technically have any commitments whatsoever. I thought it'd be also going nowhere since there's this possibility that we've just misinterpreted our feelings for each other. I didn't talk to him and tried to forget him, while I focused and went on with my guy* UNTIL I overheard a conversation he had with a friend. He blurted out something that shook me hardcore. It made me think twice about him, for the nth time. I gave him a second chance out of his assurance that he'd change but unfortunately, he just blew it all off.

Just this morning, I finally decided to call it quits. His pleading and lurching on self pity won't do this time. I've had my enough share of patience and pardon, for goodness' sake. And although a part of me still insists on giving him his one last shot, I think that'd be way too unreasonable since he had been through the same, exact situation with different girls and never did he learn. It'll be a huge waste of time if he'd just do things all over again.


And as for me and my guy friend*, we're also done. He came around at the wrong time, I suppose. I'm unsure if our feelings would be kept mutual. Come what may. As for now, I'm just gonna have to enjoy life--since I've been really, really stressed out and fucked up for the past few days.