I have been obsessed with my weight for the past 2 months now, ever since I did one of Jan Garcia’s avant garde collection during the Philippine Fashion Week. All models were just so towering tall and skinny I felt like a fat kid with icing on my cheeks around them.

I know at some point people get annoyed when I keep on ranting about how fat I am. Some might think I’m just fishing for compliments when in fact I’m really not. I’m just venting out my insecurity about how fat I feel I am. Because I do. I really reaaaaaally do.

There came a point wherein I thought of quitting the entire modelling scene and just being the one behind the curtains. Its great but, I can’t really envision it. Modelling is something I never knew I would love doing. It gave me a drive. Well not that I’d take it as my lifetime career but, I just wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I let an opportunity or two slip off my hands just because I’m not skinny enough. If worse comes to worst, compromising my health wont be a big deal anymore. Well for me, at least.

My parents are aware of what I have been going through. And regardless of how I do it, they’re not really into the entire me-losing-weight thing. They keep on telling me I’m fine the way I am now and how unhealthy this dieting has been for me. I have always been grateful for the concern and support they show me. However, how can I hold on to that when a designer himself wants me to lose weight?

You do not alter designer clothes; 
YOU should alter yourself FOR THE CLOTHES.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to do it. I have tried practically insane ways to lose weight—taking slimming stuff, oatmeal diet, water diet, eating a pack of crackers good for the entire day. And just as I’m about to figure that none of it works for me, I’d indulge on a lot of comfort food once more to ease my depression. Until, the next thing I know, I’ve gained weight... AGAIN.

It’s a cycle. And I’m getting sick of it.

To be honest, this entire modelling thing has started to consume me. I have had a couple of self-esteem issues way back and I have settled those. But now, I'm being too harsh on myself once more. My parents must be right, it's no longer healthy. However, I’m not stopping either. I’m on a different plan this time though. Jogging tomorrow, eh?